Numero Uno....

February 26, 2009

10:56 pm

I wrote the following on New Years Eve and posted it in a private journal that I am now trying to convert to online:

December 31, 2008

In exactly 3 hours and 8 minutes from now I will be at my friend Tyler's house ringing in the new year with his mom, Judith, and a few of our close friends. I will be saying goodbye to 2008. Goodbye to my first semester in college. My first time being away for a significant time from my family and home. But for now... even though I know this time of the year is meant to be a celebration of future possibilities, all I can clearly see for my future is even more uncertainty. I know I said I was going to stay focused on this journal and keep it up to date, but with the introduction of college and a whole new city, workload, and friends I guess somewhere along the way I just got caught up in trying to keep my head above the endless sea of english papers and math formulas. I guess I'm just left wondering where the time went. Where all the memories went. When my friends decided anything worth doing had to include alcohol or drugs. And what new goals I plan on setting in terms of my future....

I'm not going to go into my experience at college so far, because, to be honest, I could probably complete a series of novels to rival those of J.K Rowling and J.R.R.Tolkin in length. And while they may not be as entertaining as a hobbit fighting to save his kingdom or Harry uncovering his powers at Hogwarts they definitely don't lack in the realms of absurd, annoying, and just plain crazy. But enough about that... that happened in 2008 and like i mentioned, that'll be over in 2 hours and 59 minutes. 

No this journal is dedicated to me getting back into the swing of things. And trying to actually follow through in something non school related for once. I look at my future in college and I'm left uncertain with admissions... I'm currently switching majors and have never been more unsure and not in control of anything like this in my life before. I guess that would be something that I could consider for 2009. Maybe I'll attempt to stop being so afraid to try new things and let my guard down. Not be afraid to make a full of myself in front of others and actually go out of my way to meet new people. It's a whole new year, and while I'm sure I may still revert back to my 2008 ways I'll promise that I'll do my best to attempt to stick with this new found 2009 attitude. I don't want to have to depend on others so much, and I don't want them to feel as though they have to include me for the sake of including me. I want to really make an attempt to change this year... I think it's time I grow up a little and stop being afraid to look under the bed, because honestly the boogie man can't really be that bad. (can he?) And while I know I am going to push myself in certain aspects that I probably wouldn't otherwise, I know that I'll have a solid base to whom I can rely on and turn to just in case the boogieman does prove tougher than expected. After all... I'm not saying I'm going to be sleeping with the closet door wide open quite yet... but I don't think I'll be needing that night light anymore. Baby steps 2009... baby steps.

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A lot has happened since I wrote this post last. And I mean a lot.  In fact a lot happened later that night when I posted the piece and left for Tyler's.  I'm not proud of all the decisions I have made in my life, but I look at each one as a new opportunity to further my growth into adulthood.  

I sort of had this huge intention of following through with something non-school related as a means for me and an outlet to get out all my thoughts and feelings.  And to just help combat against all the stress I seem to fall into repeatedly.  And believe me... I stress out a lot.  

Oh god, you probably think I'm some type of socially awkward college aged student who wants to make friends and listens to emo music while pondering why all the popular kids don't like me and wishing he was smart enough to hang out with the geeky kids.  And while some of that may hold true... I can be incredibly awkward at times and my social skills have been held questionable on occasion... no not a huge fan of emo... for the most part I'd like to think I'm a normal member of society.  Well.... maybe not "normal"... but definitely upstanding. I mean I'm not some type of CRAZY psychopath! Or am I?  If I was I feel as though you would be way more interested in my life... but I can promise that once in a while if I feel as though my life seems to be running a little void of action I can't be held accountable for throwing in some little white lies to make it a bit more appealing.  Did I mention I'm related to Hannibal Lector? Like that.... that was a lie. But if I was... I would totally exploit the fact.  

And if I've managed to keep your attention thus far, I have to say... you deserve a pat on the back or a air five or a cookie or something because lord knows my attention span never would have been able to have made it past the fifth line.   No... I can promise that in future posts I won't be as wordy. I can talk when need be, and I might, but I am quick and concise when need be.  (A lot of my friends will probably argue that point, but who cares, it's my blog and I think I am so that's the end of that).  

No- I can promise that there will be pictures.  And art. And college things. And art school things. And Philadelphia things. And if you're lucky, potentially some humor... I've been known to be pretty sarcastic at times.  And sometimes, on rare rare occasions over the top.  My english professor last semester commented on my first paper that I was "very cynical".  She then proceeded to put a smiley face next to it.  I didn't think of my self as such until she pointed it out to me.  I kinda feel as though college made me this way... and I'm not to sure I like that?  But that's a whole other topic I'm sure I'll get into later on if you come back.  And if not... I'll still go into it, you just won't read it. And that's totally fine.  After all.... I'm really doing this for myself aren't I? So until next time... and I can't promise how often I'll post a new entry... but I am going to make a consistent effort.  So until next time internet. -James